Season 9, episode 5

"This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween."

"[screaming upon seeing pumpkin-headed Dwight]"

"[screaming then laughing] It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made."

"My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but..."

"It won't budge."

"I can't get it out. Try again!"

"I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin..."

"[as Jim approaches with a knife] Jim, no. No. No! No!"

"But as Jim and I discovered... No!... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me."

"At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently. I never should have played that joke on Erin. I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place. Then I realized that I was being silly. I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?"

"Hey guys."

"Hey."

"Pam, what are you?"

"I am Dr. Cinderella."

"Cece's really into princesses now. So we decided to turn them into a positive female role models."

"I'm an oncologist and you are a dog."

"No, I'm a puppy. Dang it! I was worried that would happen."

"It's Okay."

"Uh, Jim, you're not dressed up at all."

"Sure I am. I am... one of the Men in Black guys. [to Pam, under his breath] Can I have your sunglasses?"

"Jim, come on. I thought we were past this."

"So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me?"

"There's a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume."

"Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me."

"Gettin... a lot of mileage out of this, aren't ya?"

"Yeah, well, get used to it, bud."

"A jitterbug. [giggles] You guys look great! Just a reminder. The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out. Any questions?"

"The senator will be joining us later."

"Not a question."

"No, it wasn't."

"Excellent. That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere."

"[singing]"

"Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!"

"[sings Karma Chameleon]"

"Aaah! [everyone clapping] So good!"

"What lab did these little clones escape from?"

"My Cornell a capella group."

"You were in an a capella group?"

"You went to Cornell?"

"Yah! ah. Okay. Ha ha ha ha. But you have no idea how lucky you are because HCT is doing a set at our halloween party."

"Ugh. I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that."

"I do. I love the boss's interests."

"Atta boy Clark!"

"Where you boys stayin? How does it work in the rooms? Do you get a privacy partition?"

"No. Nope. Nope nope nope. Stay away."

"You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith. That was one of my signature songs. Oh, man. That would be insane. I'm so not prepared."

"Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money."

"Yeah. I mean, listen if we're gonna do this thing, we should do it right."

"You're the best."

"I kind of am. It's crazy."

"Okay. I'll see you in a little bit."

"Okay."

"Jim. Look I'm eating you."

"Shut up."

"Ha ha. Hey Erin, look, these are Nerds. I'm eating Jims."

"[laughs]"

"[laughing] Must eat more Jims. Oink oink oink oink."

"[laughing hysterically] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"

"Oh no, I'm spilling Jim all over the carpet. [laughing]"

"Stop it stop it stop it stop it!"

"[picking up spilled candy] Hello little pill. What do you do?"

"Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear. Translation: There's a madman in our midst."

"Okay I give up. What are you?"

"I'm sexy Toby."

"[laughing] Gross. I love it."

"Dumatril!"

"Something wrong Dwight?"

"Dumatril."

"Yes?"

"This is a pill that I found here in the office. But it's not for worms or eczema like any normal pill. It's not for any disorder of the body. [whispering] It's for a disorder of the mind."

"The mind is part of the body."

"Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane... [whispering] They are now off their meds."

"Dwight, our co-workers... health issues are really none of our business so-"

"Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on Nellie? Talk to me."

"Hm?"

"It's my pill. I have an anxiety issue and I'm not ashamed of that, But I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information. I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong."

"Yeah, you're right. This man needs to be apprehended."

"I'll get my apprehension kit."

"Ruh duh duh da dudes! What's up?"

"[mumbled responses]"

"I know that it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, Okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college. When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody. When I got the nickname 'Boner Champ,' that is when I became me."

"You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational bro time. Well, now's your chance! I'm here. You got Qs; I got As."

"Did you say you've got AIDS?"

"No, I don't have AIDS. That's not what I said. Next question."

"You don't have any-- Any questions about the old days? [clears throat] You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ?"

"I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ."

"Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob. Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ."

"I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year."

"Me neither."

"It's Halloween. That is really, really good timing."

"I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ."

"[on computer monitor] I'm so sorry! I don't know how that could have happened."

"Did you maybe tell them that or...?"

"I just-- I just started yappin... about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky."

"Could you just call them and tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important."

"Will do. I love you, Andy."

"Love you too."

"So the workspace looks awesome."

"Wow."

"And the graphic designer is going to be sending in some of the logo treatments. I can't wait to see them."

"You guys rock. [round of fistbumps]"

"I killed it."

"I've also been running the numbers and between our backers and our own investments, we're looking great for a full year on this."

"Oh, uh, is it too late to get in?"

"Oh Jim, I explained everything. So you're all set."

"Oh, I actually talked to my wife and we'd really like to uh you know, invest - get in on the ground floor."

"Wow, well what level of investment were you thinking about?"

"We were thinking somewhere between five - ten thousand? I can do the full ten thousand. We should just - [blows air] - all in."

"Welcome aboard!"

"All right. [laughs] Awesome. Cool."

"Hi Daryl. I'm just here to smear some peanut butter on my forehead."

"You know, to uh, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning."

"That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound... crazy?"

"I can't really picture it. Can you... get it on there. Yeah. And maybe, get the cheeks."

"So this makes sense then. Or is it crazy?"

"Get under your chin first. Yeah."

"Is that where the nanobots like to come in?"

"Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah."

"Is that how they like to get in?"

"Yeah, that's crazy."

"[whispering] I don't know. I just don't know."

"Yo! Bad boys of a capella."

"[mumbling] Hey."

"Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories?"

"Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob. I guess you really are the Boner Champ."

"Did he tell you how I got the name?"

"No."

"Spring sing "95. Got completely ripped on Bud Dries. I had sex with a snowman. I just went at that thing. Cold would have stopped most people but I stayed locked in, you know. Took the face off. It just seemed easier that way."

"And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted. So, anyway... Hi! Oh, Oscar, remember my husband, the senator?"

"Senator Lipton, nice to see you."

"Nice to see you Oscar."

"Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together. This is mayhem!"

"So Oscar, you're a dinosaur."

"Actually I'm the electoral college."

"Ouch! Right on target."

"You know what? This is outrageous. I have to find Phyllis. You two talk, okay? Sorry babe.. Phyllis!"

"God, it's just so good to see you."

"I, uh, huh, just [chuckles nervously]"

"All having this wonderful Halloween gathering. Excuse me, is that punch?"

"They didn't know about the snowman story, and when I told 'em, they were not impressed."

"What is with these turkeys?"

"Right?"

"Hey! You better do 'Faith.... You get me?"

"We don't know it."

"So learn it. You all go to Cornell, you're like eight Rain men. Just learning the friggin... song."

"Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but--"

"Buts... are for pooping. Okay? Make it work. You have to or Andy will flip out... And make it a surprise, please. [to Pete] This isn't stupid."

"What?"

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Hey Toby."

"Are... are you me?"

"Yes."

"Oh my goodness, look. Look at this."

"Yeah. I..."

"[unintelligible mumbling]"

"Yes. I thought I'd you know, be you."

"Look at.. Look at me. [laughs]"

"[laughing] It's funny right? [Toby starts to lean in for a kiss, then runs away]"

"All right. All right, just...stay focused on the pill."

"Okay, look Dwight, let's just call this thing off. I mean, it's just an anxiety pill. Lots of people have anxiety."

"You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time. Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture. I have land disputes I've got to settle and idiot cousins to protect. And ne'er- do- well siblings to take care of. But I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this."

"Cool. Free upper."

"Ah ha! Ha!!! The jig is up, psychopath! Ah yeah! Gotcha!"

"Don't dog catch me!"

"Gotcha! Yeah! Let's see ya get out of this web, huh?"

"Let me out!"

"The pill is mine."

"What?"

"Get her out."

"Oh."

"Stop baggin... my head!"

"Oh Dwight, look, its just a pill, all right? It's for anxiety. I take it every day. And it makes me feel better. And maybe it could help you too."

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"Oh man, it was great. They were great."

"Did you end up investing?"

"I did, yeah."

"How much?"

"Uh, man, by the end I guess it was about... ten..."

"About ten?"

"Ten. It was the full ten."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Yeah. It's a good thing we talked about it though, because we had to..."

"No yeah. Yeah."

"Yeah."

"So did everybody..."

"What is it?"

"Did everybody end up investing ten thousand?"

"Um, oh man, I don't actually know."

"What?"

"They weren't really talking that much about money. They just said, We're good with investing and then I...and I..."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble!"

"[vocalizing]"

"They said they were done with the investing and then you volunteered ten thousand dollars?"

"No, no, I had to. Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam."

"So you invested ten thousand dollars to look like a team player?"

"You weren't there."

"[singing 'I'll Be"]"

"It was very clear that ten thousand was what we had...we should talk about it later."

"[singing 'I'll Be... directly to Pam]"

"Talk about it now."

"Pam."

"Jim, that was most of our savings."

"[still singing]"

"Wait! Wait. Hold on. Where's the band? 'Cause there's just no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths."

"Yeah. That's what she said."

"What, am I overdoing it? No. No."

"[singing]"

"We said some. We said 'some.""

"We'll talk about it later."

"[singing]"

"We said part not all."

"[singing 'Car Wash"]"

"Yes! All right!"

"Oh Man! [clapping]"

"That's how you do that! Whoo!"

"Thank you."

"Show some pride. This is crap."

"I agree. Yes, crap. Continue."

"Now folks, by special request, we're going to take it a little old school. There is a former Trebler in this room."

"Who?"

"It's Mr. Andy Bernard!"

"[clapping]"

"[singing 'Faith"]"

"No. Do not sing that. Do not... Oh man..."

"He reminded us today of how much he means to us. And we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here's an old Treble classic."

"[singing 'Faith"]"

"[on flat screen tv] [singing lead of Faith]"

"Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here?"

"She said you wanted to hear 'Faith.... That's Broccoli Rob's signature song."

"That's my signature song."

"I really didn't know that man. I just thought you wanted to hear it."

"Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael."

"I thought you were Adam Lambert."

"Wha...?"

"The more I hear about all this a capella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic. But when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love."

"Are you okay?"

"[on screen] He's still mad."

"Shut up, Broccoli."

"Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing. Russell called me up. And they said they needed 20 cc's of George Michael stat. So just... Wham! I sprang into action. You know me. I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number."

"You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man's signature solo is his for life, okay? That's group policy and you know it."

"Look, it's not my fault that I still live near campus, and it's my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys., and stop in two, three times a week."

"Just don't do the song anymore."

"I tell you what, we'll have a sing-off for it. You pick twelve alums from any year to back you up and I'll do the same, and I'm so confident that I'll win, I won't even warm up."

"Fine, go ahead. Thrash your pipes."

"My pipes are primo, Champ. Why don't you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes?"

"I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch!"

"He said, and I quote, 'Hey Rob, nice pipes.... That happened!"

"OK, fine, yeah. that's one guy's opinion!"

"That's real. 'That'll never change!"

"Okay!"

"Doesn't mean you're the best singer ever. Dick."

"I thought that concert was pretty great."

"Oh yeah. I decided that acapelca music is awesome."

"They lost me when they sang 'Monster Mash.... That song obviously glorifies the occult."

"Angela, it's Halloween. You have to sing 'Monster Mash...."

"Oh you have to Jim? You literally have to?"

"Uh..."

"No I'm just, I'm saying, what would happen if they didn't sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot?"

"Okay. We'll, just forget it."

"No! No, I'm interested. I mean I think everybody's interested in why they have to sing it."

"Because it is Halloween. So if you're going to sing a concert, it's a good idea to throw that one in."

"Yeah, yeah, no, no. It's a good idea to brush your teeth. But you have to um, feed your children. Send them to school. You know, all things you can't do if you just keep singing 'Monster Mash.""

"It turns out, that Pam? Really, really hates 'Monster Mash.... I mean like, never bring that song up in front of her. Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, No! Hate it! Stupid!"

"This is all so silly right? What am I gonna do? Move back to Cornell?"

"[laughing] Yeah."

"I mean, what if we did that? Like we got jobs and we were happy all the time?"

"Oh well, Andy, we're not moving to Cornell."

"Duh. I know. That would be insane."

"Yeah."

"It could totally work though. I don't know why we wouldn't. Oh my god are we doing this?"

"Oy. Andy, what's going on?"

"If I am not Boner Champ, I don't know who I am."

"Well, um, you know maybe you're the wise old guy that the new uh, B-O-N-E-R champ looks up to. You know, you could just--"

"Make a donation."

"Well, I was gonna say, be a mentor."

"Yes. I am gonna make a donation. And it just so happens that I know someone who works at the Bernard Family Foundation. Her name is mom."

"Oh."

"[whispering] I want some of those pills."

"Oh, well good for you. I mean, you'll need a prescription."

"Oh, no. No, no, no. no. They're not for me. They're for my cousin Mose. He's just having a tough time, being wifeless, and a high pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose. Other cousin Mose."

"Mm. Got it. Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man and that I hope he feels better."

"Which one? Mose or the real Mose?"

"The real Mose."

"He says Thank you."

"[on phone] Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up this scholarship for a capella kids at Cornell and just need to wire some money over there. [pause] What?"

"What's wrong?"

"My parents are broke."