Season 9, episode 16

"...No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months and you were sailing on your boat!"

"I resent that. I, I never lied to you."

"Really? [reading from phone] 'Hey David, all is good in Scranton PA.""

"And all was good in Scranton PA that day."

"'By the way, Oscar says 'hi'""

"Oscar says 'hi... all the time. He says all kinds of greetings. 'Hi... 'Hello... 'Hola... You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say 'hi...?"

"Andy."

"But you're calling me a liar."

"Andy!"

"By the way, that reminds me, I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately."

"Watch it Andy!"

"Oh, here we go, January seventh 2013. [Reading from phone] 'Hey Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there but my wife's sick.... Well, which is it?! Is all well or is your wife sick?! BUSTED!"

"My wife?"

"This has been a really tough time."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Has it?"

"Erin just dumped me and I can't remember any of the aha moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say but I really miss my beard."

"Shh."

"It was like a security blan-"

"Andy."

"-ket"

"Shh. I'm not gonna fire you."

"You're not?"

"No."

"That's awesome."

"I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So...I owe you that."

"David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be here for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it."

"We are even...now. Understand? Got it?"

"Crystal."

"You are on very- Hey, very thin ice."

"Vanilla. [David looks confused] Vanilla Ice. It was a band."

"Good morning."

"Good morning."

"And how are you on this fine- [chokes up, runs into office and slams door pulling the blinds closed]"

"[Crying] Ok, we ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. Now I have to see her everyday at work. Which is...brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up."

"[Moaning from office] Ahhh! Oooooh! ahh"

"He sounds like a wounded animal."

"Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her."

"I can't be around sad people, it makes me sad."

"I'm the same way with horny people."

"Ok. [Andy continues moaning]"

"Yes. Pete and I have started seeing each other and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. And hot for us. I mean I saw Pete's butt. It's sick."

"[taking paper from Kevin] Oh that's mine! Um, I'll just, I'll get it out of the way for you."

"Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry, I am just very nervous because honestly this is all moving a lot faster than I expected. And, and because my resume can fit on a post-it note."

"[on phone] No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. OK, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do."

"[Jumps out from behind vending machine] I need you."

"Ahh! Dwight!"

"And you should take breaks more often, I've been waiting there for 45 minutes."

"What? What is it?"

"It's my aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs."

"Dwight, that's awful."

"You have no idea. I mean her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps. And we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was 'poisoned... by Aunt Shirley."

"What do you mean by 'poisoned...?"

"Probably nothing, or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine. Which is actually what it was."

"Ok, well I'm very sorry about your aunt."

"Thank you."

"But I don't see how this is my problem."

"Angela. You owe me one, remember? Now please, she's an old woman Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out-"

"Ugh."

"And there's parts of her I don't even recognize."

"Gah."

"There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap."

"It's fine."

"It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?"

"Ugh! God, I can't. OK, I'll-"

"It's a divet..."

"I'll help you!"

"..where it was and it needs, it needs a..."

"Ugh."

"Where are you going?"

"Uh, not on a three month boat trip."

"Wha? Oh, burn. [laughs, Angela and Dwight move to leave.] Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?"

"How dare you?"

"I'm still the boss!"

"I..."

"The answer is yes."

"..just have some messages for you."

"Are they from you?"

"Well no, they're from clients."

"Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater, I know how much you love it."

"I can't. I-"

"Nope, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing."

"These are messages from clients who want to buy paper."

"I don't want to talk about work right now."

"Well I only want to talk about work right now."

"Then I want my big blue sweater back."

"Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army."

"I've got the seat adjusted right."

"Perfect height, yeah."

"She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?"

"I was just leaving."

"Stay! We are in the bro-zone layer. Ok? Nard dog, Plop and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch: Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first."

"I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men."

"Survey says: ENH! Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?"

"Look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now."

"Last night I ordered a pizza by myself and I ate it over the sink like a rat."

"There you go, good for you."

"No."

"You just let it all hang out, that's what..."

"May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you. [Andy leaves]"

"I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow."

"Aunt Shirley, Hello! It's me Dwight."

"Oh, lookie here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight."

"Hello Aunt Shirley."

"Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny like a little kitchen witch."

"This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!"

"New clothes? What for? [Aunt Shirley's boob shows]"

"OK"

"Oh, God."

"You know what? Before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit."

"Yes. How would you like a nice warm bath?"

"How would you like a mean cold slap? [slaps Angela]"

"Ow!"

"Ok, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?"

"I could do that."

"Ok."

"No. No."

"Yeah, trust me."

"No."

"It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find."

"Step on it!"

"Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places."

"Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping."

"I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen."

"You're clearly snooping."

"That's kinda uncool, man."

"Ah, come on."

"Andy!"

"That's her private property."

"Tell us!"

"Uh, hello! Who's snooping on who now?"

"What does that even mean?"

"What's it say?"

"Put it down."

"Everyone please, just-"

"It's not cool."

"Put it down"

"Andy. That is her private property."

"Boo."

"Oh my god."

"Uh huh."

"See?"

"That's where nosey'll get you."

"Told you so."

"Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone so I looked at her phone."

"Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my e-mail account, she was devastated."

"Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?"

"Pete..."

"Hmm."

"Pete what?"

"It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete."

"[whispers] hello!"

"Hey! There she is. [Pam laughs] How you doin?"

"Hi! Hey, do I look ok?"

"You look great."

"Ok"

"Yeah."

"[pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a-"

"Ok, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands. [Pam laughs]"

"Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door."

"How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear."

"It's a phone?"

"Yes. It is. And thank you so much for setting up this opportunity, I really appreciate it."

"Of course, anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam."

"Thanks."

"You are gonna crush it. Wow, I missed you."

"Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me."

"[touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying?"

"Ha ha."

"Hey, Jim! We've got Trent Edwards on the line."

"I've gotta go, but you know what? Team Halpert, ok? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.[Pam laughs] OK, good luck!"

"Bye."

"Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly."

"In her prime, Shirles could put away homemade schnapps morning noon and night."

"[coughs and laughs in her sleep]"

"Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. Alright, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down."

"Spray her down?"

"No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic."

"Hey."

"Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in, I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news and uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reading computer screen] shlmydia...from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame huh?"

"Yeah. [long pause] You were gone."

"I knew it!"

"For a long time, Andy."

"You and Erin are fuhhhhhhherraaaaa!"

"Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap."

"No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!"

"What?"

"Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And wow, that turns out to be you. Yup. Sorry. [singing] So you had a bad day-"

"Andy?"

"..The camera don't lie!"

"Andy."

"You're being an idiot get.."

"I'm trying.."

"Out of my office, turns out you're fired..."

"Andy."

"Because you suck."

"You can't fire-"

"And you're fired..."

"If you want to talk to me"

"So you had a bad day..."

"I'll be in the annex."

"Rut ti doh doh..."

"Alright? I'll be in the annex."

"Rut tit doh doh..."

"Toby!"

"Rut ti doh doo doh"

"Toby?"

"You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?"

"No."

"Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges."

"Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge."

"Alright, well look. While I have you here, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete & Erin."

"They already have a contract? [Reading] 'Mutually agree to-... Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch."

"It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it."

"Well, I'm not signing away my rights."

"I already signed it. I was just showing you."

"Ok, well we'll see about that. [crumples paper]"

"Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy. [Andy throws paper at him and leaves, Toby straightens paper out] It's the original."

"...[singing] talking Chester avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey guys! Say something."

"Hello."

"Hi, I'm Mark."

"Hi, Pam, hello."

"I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the 'N... word in that movie. It's, it's too soon."

"I'm Pam Halpert."

"Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on you guys, raise the roof when I say that! I- what are you all temps again today? Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. Our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?"

"Oh my god. He's Michael Scott."

"Time to get clean!"

"It's hosing time Aunt Shirley, have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose."

"You have to use chains?"

"You'll see. Here we go."

"Let's get this show on the road."

"Let's do it! Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off."

"Dwight!"

"Let's get to it."

"No! No!"

"Give it a whirl."

"Dwight, I am not gonna hose your aunt down like some animal."

"Stop your belly-aching and hose me."

"I need you to hose my aunt."

"No Dwight!"

"OK you are useless."

"No, Dwight!"

"Give me the hose!"

"No Dwight, I won't- [hoses Dwight]"

"Ahh! OK!"

"[grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Good."

"This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage. But unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do. So. That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp, don't worry about him. Alice! Alright, stay awake ok?"

"Hey Nellie. Mmm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up."

"Um."

"Y'know I've been going over my notes from the trial..."

"Oh no."

"...feel like I may have glossed over a few..."

"No no no no."

"...minor points."

"No. Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes."

"I've been drafting a letter."

"For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just- I don't want to hear it!"

"My aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, cute. Not work on this...work on this months. Ok Nana? Uh, when I say 'Chillax... people chillax. Watch this. Hey Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me."

"No. I heard you."

"Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just, it's not high pressure. Just a little Coffee Talk. Ok? Like butta. Come on in here. Mike Myers."

"[Mouths] Oh my god."

"Thank you! Thanks, thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. OK? Instead you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend."

"Hey boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk...."

"Ugh."

"Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body."

"Come on Andy, they're a good match."

"That doesn't matter. Ok? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings."

"Hey, Andy."

"What?!"

"You've got a booger bubble going on there."

"[wipes nose] Sorry."

"It's ok."

"My whole life is a booger bubble!"

"This is a tiny resume. Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom. [Pam laughs] From The Smurfs movie."

"Yeah, I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny, but I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural-"

"What does this say here? To ti te per tat... what language is this? Swahili? Oh wait a second, now I can read it."

"Oh, cause it was upside down. [both laugh]"

"You're a good audience. [Pam laughs]"

"So um-"

"Unlike some of these people around here."

"Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the-"

"Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah. You don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. I mean they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean...you think they like me, Pam?"

"Yes."

"[gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [playing guitar and imitating Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got the pra- went to the Pratt Institute...You have children?"

"Two children, yes."

"You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing. Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well I'm kinda cute and I'm- but I'm married so...leave that be."

"Hey. You got a sec to talk?"

"Kinda painful to chat with you Pete. Ever since the old one-two punch to my scrotum pole. Translation: penis. Translation? My manhood."

"Yeah. Look, uh I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you've gotta move on."

"Great advice. Thank you, you can leave now."

"Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear."

"Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in."

"Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now."

"See? We can all be friends!"

"Yeah."

"Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward."

"I do think we can have a fair...."

"Yeah, so life gives you lemons and you've just gotta eat them, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun."

"Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk. Right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? Uh, yeah I don't- not allowed to ask. So..."

"I am not pr-"

"You're not."

"Pregnant, no."

"I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant."

"Wow."

"Don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window, I want someone-"

"I'm sorry I thought this job was for the position of office manager."

"It is. Yeah, you would uh manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls and uh you know, go for a coffee run now and again."

"So, kinda like a receptionist."

"Yeah, like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager because uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. Pretty pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?"

"Yes."

"Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. I like scripted."

"I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just, I can't."

"Ow! The braid is too tight."

"Oh hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still."

"Yes ma'am."

"I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way."

"Ok."

"There."

"Thank you Angela."

"I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. I'm gonna talk to the strangler."

"Probably best to use his real name rather than strangler."

"Don't use his real name. George Howard Scubb. It's a devil name."

"Well I just wanted to say I'm doing it. [Toby leaves]"

"He's doing it."

"[on phone] hey!"

"Hey, how'd the interview go?"

"Oh my gosh, wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Ok so-"

"I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at eight? And uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in."

"Eight? Really?"

"I'll make it worth your while, I promise."

"Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So uh, yeah. I'll see you at eight."

"Alright, love you."

"Love you."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard."

"Yes. The consultant. Andy said you can start right away so I will take you to your desk."

"Ok, great. Thanks."

"Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [Making kissing noises]"

"Just keep walking, don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way."

"Nice to meet you. Cute sweater."

"Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk."

"I'm Kevin."

"Pete?"

"Alice. Oh man."

"It's uh, been a while, huh?"

"What, do you two know each other?"

"Yeah. We uh, have a history."

"Oh."

"History. Wow, ok. We dated for two years."

"That's so random."

"Well. Is it?"

"Andy also hired a management consultant today. Oh no. [runs to front office]"

"Hey Erin, look who's back. The bird man."

"Hello beautiful."

"Didn't you two used to do it?"

"We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that."

"She's looking good."

"Hi, I'm uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Scubb."

"This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per say. Uh, I will meet George Howard Scubb. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship."

"So Pete was a librarian?"

"He worked as a librarian freshman year."

"Was he like the sexy librarian?"

"Ok."

"Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her."

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Hi, how's it going?"

"Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-"

"Wow this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with?"

"Andy, that is really inappropriate."

"Awkward."

"It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived."

"[high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation."

"Yeah."

"It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean we all just gotta 'move on.... Ain't that right professor lecture much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves]"

"So there's no marketing department."