Season 9, episode 13

"Hey Brian, you got a sec?"

"Yeah, hold on a sec."

"I feel awful."

"It's fine. It was my first slip up in nine years of miking you. [phone rings]"

"[in background] Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin."

"Well, thanks for being a good friend."

"Sure, anytime. Uh, how about you and Jim? Everything squared away?"

"Yeah, mostly."

"Pam, phone call."

"Um, hey, say Hi to Alyssa."

"Will do."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Sure."

"Hey, boom guy."

"Oh, hey Meredith."

"When are you gonna boom me?"

"Uh, listen, they're cracking down on us talking to the subjects. It's a lame rule, but, you know, I wanna... I, I'll see you later."

"Got it."

"Hey, so I hear you're bringing in some people to interview for the sales job?"

"That's right, a couple of old friends. Ballers only. Must be this cool to ride."

"Well, uh... see, you raised it."

"Oh, did I? Oh, yes, I did."

"Wallace is letting me hire a junior sales associate to sit at Jim's desk while he's away in Philly. Finally I'll have someone at my desk clump who gets me. It's like, 'Really, Jim? You don't understand the difference between a slaughterhouse and a rendering plant? Uh, remind me not to lend you any dead cows or horses.... Wow."

"You know what, man? I deserve this job."

"Mm-hmm."

"I scored Stone and Son Suit Warehouse with you, and God knows, to get the Scranton White Pages with Jan, I went above and beyond... and under."

"You know what? You're gonna get your interview, okay? I know that you're going head-to-head against some real superstars, but you got a really good chance."

"Clark has no chance. I mean, he's up against my buddy Rolf, for God's sake. Guy goes fishing with hand grenades. And Trevor... he'll make you laugh so hard, you'll puke your pants."

"This sucks, you know? You put in 12 grueling weeks at a company, and what do they do? They make you compete for a promotion, like an animal. You know, I thought this was an office, not the Thunderdome."

"Big changes coming to the old desk clump. No longer a Pam-Jim alliance against Dwight. Now it is Dwight and a friend axis against Pam."

"You could've just called that an alliance too, right?"

"I chose my words very carefully."

"Things are a little delicate with me and Pam right now. And if my working in Philly is gonna end up doubling the Dwight in her life, that's only gonna make things worse."

"[sighs] You interviewing for the sales job too?"

"No. You're interviewing for it. I'm getting it."

"Well, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I mean, I've been working here 12 weeks. That's a full season of Homeland. A ton of things can happen in that amount of time, as we've seen."

"I'm Rolf. Rolf Ahl."

"Rolf Ahl? Sounds kinda like Roald Dahl."

"Go to hell."

"There he is."

"Hey. Come on, buddy. Let's do this. Sorry, Rolf goes first. You don't compare. When you're with the R-O-L-F, you're literally Rolling on the Laughing Floor. [laughs]"

"Nice."

"Rolf is my best friend, and he is the man. Cool, calm, and collected 24/7. Just try and rattle Rolf. I dare you. Such a sweet guy."

"When are you talking to David Wallace?"

"I'm talking to him this afternoon, but don't get your hopes up."

"Too late. My hopes are up."

"Last week, my company in Philly lost a big investor, so we're scrambling to find new funding. Luckily, my partners have a fix... me asking the boss of the company I'm abandoning to give us a gigantic influx of cash. So... problem solved. Thanks, guys."

"And this chair's gonna be yours. And this desk. Ha!"

"I'm on the phone. I'm on the phone."

"No doy!"

"I'm just gonna call you back. Thanks."

"I hope you like Norwegian black metal, because I don't do earbuds."

"[laughs] No earbuds! [both laugh]"

"I'm sure he's just nervous."

"[sighs] It's fine. It's just a seating arrangement. Doesn't matter."

"So I've got your resume here, but it's not telling me everything."

"Well, a lot of that information is private. How do I know you're qualified to evaluate me?"

"Well, I'm the one offering the job."

"What are your credentials?"

"I've worked here for 12 years. I won salesman of the year. I'm an Assistant to the Regional Manager."

"I think I've heard everything I need to hear."

"Wait, wait, wait, no, I mean, if you need to know more, you can call David Wallace. I'm sure he'd give a reference."

"Thank you, Dwight. I'll be in touch."

"Well, they can't all be winners. But Trevor's next and he's a real professional. You say, 'Jump,... and he says, 'Oh who?... He loves to jump on people, that Trevor."

"What makes you think you'd be an effective paper salesman?"

"Ooh, okay. Didn't see that one coming. Can I take a 20 on that? Maybe we can circle back around to it."

"Well, it's a pretty basic question for a potential paper salesman."

"Pass. Next one."

"All right. Do you see yourself as more of a team player or a self-starter?"

"No, no and no."

"There were only two options."

"Checkmate. You win this one, my friend. Do you validate parking?"

"This is a bus transfer."

"[chuckles] Nothing gets by this guy."

"Hey Jim, do you mind if I look over these price sheets before my interview?"

"Sure, yeah, go ahead."

"Thanks, dude. You'you sure it's okay? 'Cause you're kinda..."

"Yeah, absolutely. Do people like sitting next to you? You're clean, right?"

"Oh, Dove Men."

"Nice. Music. Do you listen to it in earbuds? You don't listen to it at all because we're at work, not a Florence and the Machine concert, so..."

"Yeah, could I just have a minute to prepare for this?"

"Sure, yeah. Do whatever you need to do."

"Thanks, dude."

"Right after you do one thing for me. I need you to breathe in my face."

"Why?"

"I need you to breathe in my face right now."

"[exhales]"

"What are we working with, peppermint or wintergreen?"

"Wintergreen."

"I knew it, I knew it."

"Yeah, good nose."

"I looked at you coming around, and I said, 'Wintergreen.""

"I can't hire Clark. Yeah, he looks like a Schrute, but he thinks like a Halpert and he acts like a Beesly."

"Okay, here's one. A customer who ordered enough paper to qualify for a volume discount now wants to return half the stock. You can't rebate the sales price or credit for future purchases because you brokered the deal for a third party."

"That's just a classic no-win situation."

"Thank you."

"So I'd Kobayashi Maru it."

"Damn it! Perfect answer, again."

"Yep."

"Think Dwight, think. You have a ream of 16-bond ""

"You know what, Dwight?"

"And anoth..."

"This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process."

"No."

"Yeah. Star Trek rules."

"It does, but still no."

"Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?"

"Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here."

"This is not natural."

"Just... I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances."

"Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?"

"They smell so bad."

"If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right?"

"Meredith, I tell you all the time."

"[chuckles] Walked right into that one."

"Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise."

"What quality would make you a good sales associate?"

"People person."

"It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical."

"That's right."

"You know we live together, right?"

"Yes."

"And I've never seen you go to work, ever."

"Okay."

"So why is this on your resume? [door slams]"

"So how'd you guys hear about the position?"

"My'my mom."

"Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff."

"Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower."

"You were in the shower or he was in the shower?"

"Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there."

"So you guys all know Dwight already?"

"I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby."

"I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school."

"You went to X-Men school too? [exhales]"

"X-Men school?"

"When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out."

"Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi's. A lot of telemarketing."

"I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something."

"I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us."

"Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault."

"How is it my fault?"

"Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others."

"But it's Dwight who's bring in all the weirdos."

"Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos."

"Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. [sighs] Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off."

"[on phone] Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later."

"Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input..."

"[presses speaker button] This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying."

"Hey, Dwight. It's David."

"David."

"Jim says he'd like some say in the hiring process."

"Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately."

"I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife..."

"Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work."

"Oh. Um..."

"Yeah."

"Okay. I can't say that that's not fair."

"Sounds fair to me, David."

"And I know we have a call scheduled for later ""

"Oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later."

"No. Why not do it now?"

"Yeah. What's up Jim?"

"Uh... [clears throat] Well, it's about Athlead. I'm sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?"

"I'd love to be in the loop, David."

"It's okay. Go ahead, Jim."

"There's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor ""

"Okay. Jim, I'm gonna have to stop you right there."

"Yes, okay. Bye."

"[whispers] I'd love to invest."

"No, thanks."

"I'd like to give you $100 million. [snickers] [phone ringing]"

"Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes."

"Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one?"

"Thank you."

"Yeah."

"Whoops."

"[patting Darryl's hair] It's dense. Like bread."

"Dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend."

"I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend."

"They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks."

"You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero."

"Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating."

"Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch."

"Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch."

"Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof."

"Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this."

"Do you want this paper?"

"I sure do."

"It's not very good."

"I will pay you whatever it takes."

"I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad."

"No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money."

"Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It's over."

"Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number?"

"I am."

"Okay. Good, good, good. [sighs]"

"I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University."

"This isn't gonna work out."

"Thank you. [chuckles]"

"Nate is a proven entity, but not without his handicaps; hearing, vision, basic cognition. Trevor is great, but I saw no fire in him today. And this is a guy who loves to start fires. Troy is literally one of a kind. He's a goblin, or a hobbit, or a kobold, which is a type of gremlin. And yet I'm hesitant. Why can't I pull the trigger on any of them?"

"[groaning] No, no, no. I just need to tell them. I just need to tell them. [knock at door]"

"Do you need to be changed?"

"I do that myself now."

"Mm. Are you going to make a decision soon? I've been double-parked for five hours. I'm wondering if I should move my car."

"No, you've been towed by now. They tow after about 45 minutes."

"Well, the joke's on them. I live right next to the tow yard. All they did was save me some gas."

"Hey man, we get how difficult this is. And no matter how you choose, we're still gonna be your friend."

"Yeah, whether it's me or Troy Underbridge, or Gabor, or Melvina..."

"Or none of you [chuckles]"

"Yeah, you'd bring us all down here, put us through the wringer and then choose none of us."

"Can you imagine how insulting that would be? The contempt that a person like that would have to have for you."

"I wish I could hire all of you."

"I could start Monday."

"Psst. Jim Jim? [whispering] Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around. Jim, turn around."

"Ahh, I love staring off in one direction. If I'm not looking south, I'm not livin.... That's what I always say."

"Just act natural. [grunts]"

"And I was thinking it's only fair that you help make this decision since they'll be sitting at your desk next to your wife."

"But you know I wouldn't hire any of these all-stars."

"Aah! God, that sucks! Aah! What are you gonna do? I mean, it's your call."

"Nope. Your friends not turning out to be as great as you thought? Not even Gabor?"

"I guess I just have higher standards for my work colleagues than for my friends. I just couldn't picture any of them in the old gold and gray."

"I knew it. You designed a uniform for Dunder Mifflin."

"Summer. Winter. Jungle. Formal."

"Well, I for one, was amazed at how qualified everyone was. You?"

"Yes. Thank you. Amazed."

"And I gotta say, this was a tough decision. And we had to go with none of you."

"I'm sorry?"

"What? This is such bullcrap!"

"Well, you know, Wallace put me in charge, so you have no say."

"Wow. So much crap. It's just a load of B.C. How could you do this to them?"

"Too much now."

"Okay."

"Do we get our resumes back or do you keep them? Because I only have the one, and I have a chili recipe on the back that I really wanna keep."

"Okay, this is an outrage. Ugh! You know what? This is Jim Halpert's home address, in case you guys wanna toilet paper his house or whatever."

"That seems inconsiderate."

"No. We get it. Thanks so much for the opportunity, Dwight. Don't open any suspicious packages you may receive. No, wait. Do open them. Totally safe."

"Guys, it wasn't up to me. Rolf, come on. Guys, it wasn't my choice! I would have hired all of you! Gabor, Gabor."

"Well, my day's shot."

"Yeah, it's that weird hour where it's too late to start a slow roast and too early for a Swanson's."

"I got it. Paintball."

"Oh, that sounds awesome. Can we wait till I get off work?"

"[yelling] And what are we supposed to do until then?"

"Okay."

"Let's just go, you guys."

"Yeah. No limit on weapons class, right?"

"All right. I think that went well."

"So, uh, if you just take a look at this, and then that'll print out'Hey. Meet your new desk mate."

"What's up good lookin...?"

"Oh, cool. Hey Clark."

"Trust me, this is the least of all evils. It took me all day to pull this off, so you should be thrilled, considering."

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I kinda liked my old desk mate."

"Okay. I'm really sorry I told the guys I'd be there for the board meeting."

"Of course."

"I'll call you when I get there."

"Okay."

"All right."

"Bye."

"Take care of my wife. I will be back."

"They say that everyone outgrows their friends at some point in their lives. Well I just outgrew them all in the span of three hours."

"Hey, Pam, I'm going to the kitchen. You want anything?"

"I'm good."

"Oh, hey, I'll take a coffee."

"Oh, I'm sorry. You gotta be this cool for coffee."

"[scoffs]"

"Hey, Dwight. Wanna haze the new guy?"

"Who, me?"

"Us."

"Absolutely, I do. [giggles]"

"Okay. Okay, here. Okay, so the next time he goes to the bathroom, I'll distract him, you take that."

"Okay, yeah, I know what to do. Okay. Oh, that's great."

"[shushes]"

"[laughs]"

"Aah!"

"No!"

"Welcome to the club, pig! [laughs]"

"No, Dwight!"

"Aah!"

"No, it does matter who ends up sitting next to Pam when I'm gone. The people around you are basically who you end up spending your life with. I mean, because of where my desk was, I spent all those years looking at Pam, and I fell in love. So, that stuff matters. Definitely does."