Season 5, episode 1

"All right, everybody. This is your last meal, so eat up. [cheering]"

"From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more."

"This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest between the branches. Whichever branch loses the most weight gets three extra vacation days."

"What should we do with all these leftovers?"

"I'm taking the dumplings for my wife."

"No, no, no. This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers."

"I can bring these to my shelter."

"I'm taking my dumplings."

"[sprays food with bug poison] There. Take those home to your wife."

"Dwight, Dwight!"

"Michael, it's time."

"Hit the scales, everybody. Right on that black platform. This way. Step it up."

"Don't go breaking my scale."

"I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked."

"Ex-squeeze me."

"No, I will ex-squeeze you."

"OK everybody. Get used to this because we are going to be standing here briefly every Monday for the next seven Mondays."

"Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow."

"[smiles, looks to Michael] Really, nothing?"

"2,336 pounds. Y'all need to learn some portion control."

"Wait a minute. Pam is on the scale."

"Oh, Pamcake. No, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose. Vamoose, Pam. Dunder Mifflin family only."

"Family only."

"All right, got it. 2,210 pounds."

"Pam, you weigh 226 pounds?"

"Almost, Kevin."

"Not almost, though, Holly. I mean, not -- not close to 200..."

"Math is hard."

"Yeah."

"Just, we'll just keep going."

"I'm totally gonna slaughter at the weigh-in today."

"All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of Diet Coke."

"Really? 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday."

"OK. [holds elevator] Stanley, come on."

"Oh, I forgot something in my car. I'll see you guys up there. [takes the stairs after the elevator doors close]"

"I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is, I have lost a little of my speed, a little of my fire. Here's what I used to look like. [holds up old photo] Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted."

"And arch your back. And slowly bring up your head. [Michael and Holly face each other in yoga pose]"

"Jimbo."

"Ah, they moved the shower."

"Did you see Holly's butt?"

"No, I didn't. [Michael laughs] You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts."

"I know."

"But what have you learned about her?"

"I learned that she broke her left leg twice in one year. I learned that she's allergic to sesame seeds. I learned that she has read 'Lonesome Dove' three times."

"Nice."

"And that her butt refuses to quit!"

"Well, I tried. [Michael laughs]"

"[follows Jim into bathroom] You have to agree with me. [follows Jim back out] That's insane."

"I'll just go later."

"I thought you had to pee."

"[forces candy out of vending machine and forces fruit into racks]"

"Hey, if you're into yoga, I take a great bikram class in Dickson City."

"Oh, thanks. I should check that out."

"Also -- and no pressure -- the teacher? He's a catch."

"Actually, I'm a lesbian."

"I'm gay!"

"I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that... It's a joke."

"What's the joke?"

"There is no joke. I just said it because I haven't had much luck lately and I'm not really looking to date. Maybe I should switch to women."

"Oh, you think it's a choice?"

"Um, I'm gonna head back to my work area and just--"

"I'm messing with you, Holly."

"I knew that. OK, bye."

"OK."

"So you have the directions."

"Yes."

"You have a toothbrush."

"Yes."

"You have a cell phone charger."

"I have everything."

"Tomorrow I start a three-month design program at the Pratt Institute in New York. I will be a little fish in the big apple. [does hand gesture] What up, 212?"

"Fax this for me."

"Come on, man. She goes to New York in like 10 minutes."

"It's not gonna take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim. [to Pam] If I don't see you again, goodbye. Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation, so never mind."

"Ang. Ela. [sings] Ella, ella, ella. Under my Angerela. Ella, ella, ella. Ay, ay--"

"What?"

"Hey, check it out. [hands her brochure] This is The Breakers, Newport, Rhode Island. Huge, awesome gorgeous mansion overlooking the Atlantic. And my dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper."

"Every little boy fantasizes about his fairy-tale wedding."

"No. No."

"This is where my parents decided not to get divorced."

"I don't care."

"OK. How do you feel about Maine? [Angela picks up phone and dials] I'm on it. I'll see you later, love. [Dwight's pager vibrates, he and Angela walk out]"

"[exiting warehouse storage room] Ahh. We done good in there, half pint."

"Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it."

"Monkey. [kisses her]"

"No, no. I have a fiance I very much like!"

"[sees Pam and Jim through office window, runs out the office] Hey, hey! [falls down stairs, gets up, falls down again] Pam, Pam! Hey!"

"What happened?"

"[frazzled and out of breath] I wrote you a goodbye poem. It's really long. I left it up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?"

"I should really get going."

"No. OK. Um, the last word is 'seagulls.'"

"I'm sure it was really lovely."

"I took a lot from other poems."

"Call me when you get in. [kisses Pam]"

"OK, bye."

"Bye."

"All right, call-- [leans in to kiss Pam]"

"No, Michael."

"Why haven't I proposed yet? Uh, actually Pam and I talked about it. And we just decided that, um -- well, we didn't want to spend first three months of our engagement apart. And Pam's always said she doesn't want a long engagement. Something in her past, I guess. I'm not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here..."

"OK, no, no, no, no, no, no. Same places as last week."

"It doesn't matter, Michael."

"Yes, it does. No, this is about weight displacement. We have to have the same weight distribution. Right here. Here we go. Let's move that up. Here we go."

"Oh, fancy meeting you here."

"All right."

"OK, everybody smile. Ho! You lost 31 pounds."

"All right!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork."

"[rapping] I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot. She's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best. All those sucker branches can suck our fat!"

"Wikka wikka wikka what?"

"Dunder Mifflin, this is Ronnie."

"I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years, and eventually declare my love for her."

"Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery. [laughter] Which is my terrible segue into our course, Expressive Typography in New Media."

"I'm in the wrong class..."

"Some of you may remember from last semester I am Professor Monaghan. [sees Pam leaving] And looks like I'm boring someone already."

"Oh, no. I just--"

"Please sit down."

"You're shaking. Are you all right?"

"Just leave me alone!"

"[sickly] I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water for all three meals. Um, I just bought some bikinis online, size 2. So... gonna look amazing."

"Hi, can I help you?"

"I need you to make me 100 copies of this on canary yellow."

"Hi Jan."

"Hi."

"How's the candle game?"

"Oh, great. Yeah, Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names. You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil?"

"Cool. Thank God they found her, too."

"Oh, they found her?"

"Hi, Jan. Hello, baby. How are you? Good to see you. Who's your daddy? You don't know who your daddy is, do you? No, you don't. [to Jan] Come on. Let's go in."

"When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father. By telling us that he was the father."

"Hey, Oscar. Who's that woman in Michael's office with the feet?"

"That's his ex."

"Oh, she's very beautiful."

"Yes, she is. And clinically insane."

"So, listen, I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number."

"OK."

"Listen, dummy! It's not that hard. All you have to do is take the numbers from the sales report and type them into a master spreadsheet. A G.D. monkey could do it. I do not understand why you can't do it."

"No! You do not talk to him like that!"

"But he's an idiot!"

"Hey!"

"He is not an idiot!"

"Thank you, Holly."

"He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here."

"Wait, back up. Do you think that I am retarded?"

"Well, no. Dwight..."

"Oh, Holly, that is very offensive."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey. So, since my little lady has such particular, impossible to perceive taste, I have made nonrefundable deposits at four totally different wedding locales: Hot-air balloons over Napa Valley, world-famous Walt Disney's Epcot Center, scuba-diving wedding in the Bahamas and the Wilkes-Barre Marriott Ballroom C."

"Dangerous. Tacky. Sharks. Haunted. No."

"[walking into storage room] Hurry, we have to make this fast."

"Let's do this thing."

"[Dwight slaps her butt] Hey!"

"I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!"

"All right, I am connecting and... you are not there. Did you install it right? How about this: Go to applications--"

"[on computer screen] I can see you!"

"All right!"

"This is so cool."

"So what is going on, girl in the computer?"

"Lunch with a girl from my hall."

"Uh-huh."

"Ceramics class. Then dinner by myself. I'm gonna watch HGTV and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer."

"OK, can you turn the girl off please? I'm trying to get some work done."

"No way. No way. Pam Beesley. Hello. [picks up computer] Hey, everybody look, Pam. Pam, say hi. Say hi to Pam. Don't we all look skinny? Oh, oh, almost dropped you!"

"Can you put me down I'm getting a little nauseous?"

"Pam, I'd like you to meet Ronnie. We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office. Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day."

"The nerve."

"Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo! You know what? My real beef with her, though, Pam? She can't find those little colored paper clips that I like so much. Will you help her find them, please?"

"They're on the supply shelf."

"Let's go. We are following Pam to the supply shelf. Let us go."

"New York is so exciting. I love my classes. The city's awesome. Um, can you give me back to Jim now, please?"

"OK, everybody, let's suck in our guts."

"2,184 pounds, for a grand total -- oh! You all gained five pounds back."

"Damn it. Come on."

"[Kelly faints] Oh!"

"Oh, my God!"

"Come on, Bernard. [Andy spits on floor as warehouse worker walks past]"

"Here we go. Everybody on."

"All right, we're set."

"Still good. You guys lost a pound. You lost one pound."

"I was on an IV for two days at the hospital."

"I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds."

"Angela, you'll go to the supermarket and get the New York cheesecake. Make sure it's the generic one. It's Stanley's favorite."

"Yes, I've replaced Angela as head of the party planning committee. [footage of Dwight and Angela making out] I guess I was just in the right place at the right time."

"How's it going?"

"It's going well."

"Good."

"I have a crazy idea. What if we did, um, fruit instead of cake?"

"Cake? Who suggested cake? [Angela points to Phyllis]"

"We lost weight today. I think it's OK to reward ourselves once in a while."

"Are you kidding me? We only lost one pound, Phyllis."

"What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went -- I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years."

"Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?"

"Shotgun weddings."

"That's not what that is."

"Fright. Being scared to death."

"No."

"Obesity-caused illnesses."

"Obesity-caused illnesses."

"Thank you. Holly is right. People, this is not just about winning some extra vacation days. This is about a very cool HR initiative that if we don't follow, we are all going to die of obesity. So how much are we gonna lose?"

"I would like to lose 65 pounds."

"Yes, all right. Who else? [to Angela] Can I put you down for 10 pounds?"

"No. My doctor wants me to gain weight."

"If you gain weight, you will die. I want you to live forever. I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?"

"Cryogenics. Beer me five."

"This is how we're gonna do it. Five pounds. I'm asking each of you to lose five pounds. That plus Jim's 65 will give us a very good chance at winning this thing."

"All right, I'm taking off."

"Booty call."

"Nope, just going to see Pam."

"Here."

"Maybe put up some shelves."

"Wait a second. [removes condom from wallet, throws it to Jim] I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me."

"OK, thank you for... this."

"You want more?"

"No."

"I don't know if there's any one place that has all these things."

"It's not my problem. [dials phone]"

"Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call."

"That is very important to me, so -- I have work to do. Just do it. [walks away]"

"Sweetheart. [Angela turns around] Just so you know, I don't care where we get married. I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snowstorm on top of a monsoon. All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together."

"[Angela kisses him] Hey-oh!"

"I know I haven't made this easy on you. [Dwight comes out of storage room alone, looks at watch.]"

"[knocks on door] Hi."

"Hi. [they kiss] Mmm. 'Cause-- [looks toward camera]"

"Oh, that's so rude of me. Have you seen, um, Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out. [closes door]"

"[music playing] It's a pretty lame party."

"Does anyone want to dance?"

"[watching baseball game on TV] Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out."

"Stanley, Michael's not here. You can eat a slice of your birthday cake."

"I don't like cake anymore"

"Why not, dawg?"

"Tastes changed. Now all I like is baklava."

"Michael, we have a situation."

"They should not be in that room."

"That's so lame they didn't invite us."

"You know what we should do? We should have a party and not invite them."

"Yeah!"

"Let's go mini-golfing."

"Hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf. I, uh, actually have a date tonight."

"Uh..."

"It'll probably be a total disaster, but..."

"Um, I think you'll have fun. Men from Scranton are handsome, and they know how to show a woman a good time."

"Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin."

"You know what? We're pretty much done here today. Why don't you just take off early?"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, that's sweet. Wish me luck."

"Good luck."

"Oh, Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her."

"Party's over. You are so busted!"

"OK, everybody. Phyllis, did I or did I not say fruit?"

"You said fruit, Michael."

"And what is that?"

"Cake."

"You know, we're gonna have to try a little harder if we are going to win this thing."

"Happy Birthday, Stanley! [kicks cake onto Michael]"

"It's kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are, so corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off."

"[spreading peanut butter on a bagel] What?"

"Oh nothing."

"It's just some of us are taking this really seriously."

"I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico."

"That wasn't a tapeworm."

"[walks in the office] How's my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right [sits at reception]."

"Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him."

"And you got a goatee!"

"I did!"

"Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?"

"Yes. Gooooo-tee!"

"Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan]"

"Hey Kevin... [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] That's really funny."

"Yeah."

"It's great to see you Kev."

"You too."

"I'm keeping a list... of everyone who wrongs me. So when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list."

"Jim. I wanted to apologize... for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I've quit the rat race I've realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history. I've even started volunteering. Giving back to the community."

"Well that's great. [shakes Ryan's hand] You're talking about your court ordered community service?"

"I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean."

"But he did, right?"

"All right."

"All right."

"[glares into the camera and writes Jim's name on his list]"

"Well you lost zero pounds. [everyone grumbles] No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds."

"Hey, you know what? I can't do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms]"

"Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking?"

"Ok, let's just all try and work harder, ok?"

"NO! I want names!"

"This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life."

"So how was your date?"

"Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he's cute, right?"

"[groans painfully]"

"What's wrong?"

"[struggling to speak] Mmm--- mmm... Um..."

"Close the door. This is your fault."

"Nope."

"Your stupid friend zone."

"Mmm."

"I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh--- You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!"

"Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began."

"How much weight have you lost, Dwight?"

"I am hardly the problem, Jim."

"No, you're definitely the problem."

"This is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills."

"Kelly."

"Oh, hello Ryan. You look well."

"I wanted to say I'm sorry... for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin' through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I've changed."

"Cool."

"We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight?"

"Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I'm dating Darryl, still, and we're like crazy in love so..."

"That--- I, um... cool. Well maybe I'll see you around."

"It's a small office."

"Yeah."

"Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I'm really sorry... about what I said before. Ok? I was way out of line."

"Yes you were."

"But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it's a two man job. Interested?"

"Split the commission?"

"[sighs] Sixty - forty. Hm? [they shake hands] I'll drive."

"[exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan]"

"Dieting's only half of it."

"Mmm-hmm. Saunas."

"And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym."

"Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh]"

"Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch... actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider... coworkers."

"Oh, my God. Ok. Everybody just act normal. Don't say anything."

"What?"

"My ex-girlfriend. She's right behind you. Just... hide me."

"Really, where?"

"No no! Don't look! [Pam sees an old lady behind him]"

"Wow, was it the age difference?"

"Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early. [they laugh, Pam's phone rings, she answers]"

"Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends!"

"[storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath] Are you insane?!"

"Hey, hey!"

"Oh my God, what happened?"

"There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone."

"And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! [claps]"

"You left me in a bad part of town!"

"Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? [Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials] You look great. I can definitely see the difference."

"[into phone] Phyllis Vance for David Wallace."

"...or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting---'"

"[in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody!"

"What are you doing?"

"Fair question."

"I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I'll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma's House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful."

"It's my sumo suit. I just didn't inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented."

"Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society."

"See, you're always saying there's something wrong with society, but... maybe there's something wrong with you."

"If it's me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, 'Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?'"

"Because you're kind of doing Michael Clump."

"How do you know Michael Clump?"

"Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character."

"How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people."

"I think of him as more like... a monster? What about, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'"

"No, no, no, it goes, it goes... look, 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you!'"

"No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don't you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside... and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man."

"Vamping."

"Hey! Why don't you just sit down, please?"

"Eh, I've been sitting all day."

"We're doing this because of you. So why don't you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved?"

"I did."

"Why?"

"[at a loss for words]"

"So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. [Pam's friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh] Others feel that fungus is do to an over---"

"[to friend] Nice."

"Quiet please."

"Sorry."

"Sorry."

"Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march."

"She should thank me."

"Ok Phyllis, thank Dwight first."

"Why should I have to thank him?"

"You're right, you're right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it ok."

"[exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise."

"Finally. Right? Ok, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don't you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let's all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Ok! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate... their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Ok, I want you to look at her. She's a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful?"