Season 3, episode 23

"[at Dunder-Mifflin Corporate in NY] David!"

"[confused] Oh, Michael?"

"Are we all set?"

"Isn't our interview tomorrow?"

"Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello."

"You happened to be in mid-town Mahattan?"

"Thought I'd catch a show."

"In the middle of a work day?"

"Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job."

"Okay."

"Um, how many people are you interviewing?"

"We're only interviewing the branch managers and some other upper level company people."

"Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have, or manages more people?"

"I don't think so."

"Great. One more... question. When you merged those branches who did you put in charge?"

"I believe we put you in charge."

"Ah, great. No further questions."

"Okay, Michael."

"Okay."

"I'm really looking forward to our interview."

"And I'm really looking forward to working with you."

"I got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. [on cell phone] Hey, Pam yeah, I forgot what day the interview was and I drove to New York accidentially. I'll be like three hours late."

"[Jim walk through the door sporting an obvious new haircut] Hey."

"Hey, Kev."

"What's different about you? You look worse."

"Thank you."

"You got a haircut. It's sexy, hot."

"Ohhh..."

"Turn around."

"No."

"Yes."

"No way."

"Do it!"

"Blup-dup-do. What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut."

"[exhales loudly] Andy..."

"What is it, Big Haircut?"

"Nothing."

"Sorry, I can't hear you Big Haircut."

"Yup."

"What?"

"Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless."

"Hey. I think it looks great."

"Thanks, Pam."

"After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that he missed my friendship too and I would always mean a lot to him and I understand where he's coming from. For the record, I am not embarassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it, and it only took me three years to summons the courage, so [quietly, and mock bowing] thank you."

"[knock on door] Yeah."

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, the time has come to name my own replacement. So please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute."

"But that's my name. [opens letter and reads] Dwight, congratuations a-wipe. Don't screw the pooch. [begins to cry] Thank you."

"Okay. Uh..."

"[cries harder] Thank you, Michael."

"Uh, okay."

"[sobbing, holding letter to chest] Thank you so much."

"Stop crying."

"[sobbing] Thank you."

"Ohhhhh..."

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Um, about the beach..."

"It's okay, we all say things without thinking."

"Oh, no it's not that, I've actually been thinking that for a long time, and I'm glad I said it. I just... I'm sorry if it made you feel weird."

"[confused] Oh. Okay."

"Pam is... kind of a bitch."

"Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit."

"Ahhh... just have so much paperwork to do. [exhales] Wow. Done. Okay, let's do it."

"So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early 'cause we want to spend the night in the city."

"Why so you can do it?"

"[looks annoyed]"

"Whoops."

"No, um, well I was thinking that uh, actually we could all leave tomorrow and do a convoy you know? Convoys are really fun. Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger..."

"Hmmm."

"Heh."

"Moon each other."

"Ah, we're gonna go tonight, but we're gonna see you there tomorrow morning, right?"

"All right."

"All right."

"Your loss."

"Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving?"

"Cruise control."

"Oh."

"So Jim, who do you think is hotter? Pam or Karen?"

"Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now."

"Pam is taller."

"You sure?"

"Yes. She has bigger breasts, too."

"Wow."

"I think Karen has a prettier face."

"Uh, hmm. [thinking] Uh, hmm. What else?"

"Well I mean Pam's face is really pretty too. It's a very tough call."

"Hm. Really tough call."

"Yeah."

"You know what? Why don't you take the rest of the day, figure it out and then come back and tell me what you got."

"Will do."

"All right. [smiles]"

"Hey, Pam I've been meaning to say something to you. I really miss our friendship. [group laughs]"

"Wow, very funny."

"I've never heard you talk that much. I thought it was Kelly."

"Are you kidding? I would have never done that. It was pathetic-ville. No offense, Pam."

"[smiles]"

"You know what? Don't even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said."

"I remember. I blogged the whole thing."

"www.creedthoughts.gov.www/creedthoughts. Check it out."

"Last year Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I've read some of it. Even for the intranet it's... pretty shocking."

"There they are, the Accounting Department. I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks."

"Do you think it's gonna to be weird working with Jan in New York?"

"No. Not at all. I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up, and I think if she had something to say she would have called me."

"Maybe you should talk to her? Before..."

"No, no, no. You know what? It's a done deal. I basically have the job already. There's nothing she can do to stop it now. I already sold my condo."

"Michael..."

"What?"

"Why?"

"I'm sorry, that just doesn't make sense."

"Yes, I..."

"Wha? Who gave you that advice?"

"Yeah, Michael you should never sell your condo..."

"I have to buy another place."

"But you said you were in debt. [crosstalk]"

"You're not sure that you have the job."

"I sold it on eBay. The buyer was very motivated, as was I. It went for eighty percent of what I paid. Sold in record time."

"How would you like to spend the night with the Regional Manager of Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton?"

"No Dwight, I don't care if that is how they consolidated power in ancient Rome."

"No, no, not Michael. [whispers] Me. I'm taking his job."

"[smiles] Not now. [Dwight leaves] Goodbye, Kelly Kapoor."

"[squeezing hand grips] Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim."

"Oh hey, Dwight."

"I am gonna be your new boss. [laughs] It's my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never."

"Does my room have cable?"

"No. And the sheets are made of fire."

"Can I change rooms?"

"Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town."

"Can I have a late checkout?"

"I'll have to talk to the manager."

"You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?"

"I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!"

"Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?"

"Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet."

"Go."

"Eighty thousand dollars a year."

"Once I'm officially Regional Manager my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified."

"[signing interview sheet] I will see you at the inter-view."

"Yes you will."

"Who is D. Abramson?"

"He's from that company in Pitts..."

"[walks through front door] Michael."

"Why... are you here?"

"Uh, how are you?"

"I'm good. How are you, Janet? It's good to see you."

"I'm great. Uh, can we, can we talk... privately... for a minute?"

"Why privately?"

"I just, [quietly] I uh... I don't uh... I, I don't, I don't like the way that we left things."

"Okay, sure, fine. Um, why don't you wait in my office. I have some important business matters to take care of."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Pam, Defcon ten. Houston, we have a problem."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Uh, I may need some immediate assistance. If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room. Phyllis, Angela, Karen."

"What about Meredith?"

"No. She's an alternate."

"So, how you been?"

"Been good."

"Good."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Sorry to drop by unexpectedly. I uh, I tried calling, but I kept getting voice mail."

"Weird. Yeah, I didn't get both of your messages."

"So, um, Michael needs us in the conference room."

"Cause of Jan again?"

"Hey, uh, before I leave tonight, would you mind making a half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow?"

"Uh, sure."

"Thanks."

"I really hope you get the job."

"Thanks. [looks suspicious]"

"After you ended... everything with us, I went on a vacation."

"Hmm."

"To kinda clear my mind."

"Sound good. Sounds fun."

"It was. Yeah, it was good. [laughs] I think I'll just get right to the point, you know? Um, I, I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time."

"Hmm.."

"I've made some big changes in my life and... I miss you. I want us to get back together."

"Would you excuse me for a second?"

"Ohh... [Michael leaves and walks into conference room]"

"Defcon twenty. She wants to get back together."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't know, that's why you're here, help me. Please..."

"Do you want to get back together with her?"

"No, no. What do I do?"

"Just don't get back together with her."

"What if she makes me?"

"How can she make you get back together with her?"

"She made me do a lot of things I didn't wanna do."

"This was a terrible relationship. You were not happy when you were with her."

"I wasn't."

"You're so much happier now. Just go in there and be strong."

"You're right. You're absolutely right. I'm gonna go in there and tell her that we can't be together."

"Right."

"Wow."

"Do it."

"I'm in a very good place right now. Thank you."

"[walks back into office with Jan] Okay. [clears throat] Jan, we need to talk. [Jan turns revealing that she has had her breasts enlarged]"

"Jan is in a different place right now, and it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances. So I am going to hear her out."

"Oh my God. [mouths to Jim]"

"Yeah, bigger actually."

"[whispers] That's crazy!"

"Mm-hm."

"[mouths] Wow!"

"[moves to block Jim from Pam's eyeline] Oh my God. Can you believe that?"

"Unbelievable."

"Wow!"

"She could put the cup right there."

"I know!"

"No, it's fine. I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around... that"

"I would never do that. Waste of money. In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than the front."

"I love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers."

"I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That's how I like 'em. Swing low, sweet chariots."

"So... [exhales] there are a lot of things that I would like to do differently."

"Yeah."

"I feel like, when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities."

"First got priorities."

"And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation..."

"Let's get back together. [Jan smiles and laughs]"

"No. No, no, no, no. I'll tell you this, it is"

"Okay, everyone, listen up! [claps] Time to begin the interview process! [looks at sign-up sheet, only contains Andy's name] Andrew Bernard."

"Saving the best for first!"

"All right, you guys. See you later, wish us luck!"

"No! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Do not wish them luck. Do not wish them luck. All luck must be wished unto Michael."

"Good luck, you guys! [everyone wishes them luck]"

"What did I say!?"

"[to Jim] Good luck."

"Thanks."

"I'm happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche. And I know saying it sounds cliche, sounds cliche... Maybe I'm being cliche. I don't care. Cause I am what I am. [thinks] That's Popeye."

"I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity. What is the best color?"

"White, because it contains all other colors."

"Wrong. Black. It is the most dominant. How do you make a table?"

"You make a chair, but you don't sit on it."

"What is the capital of Maine?"

"The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York, where I went to Cornell."

"Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk. Don't wanna hear about it. Forget your personal history, and learn the history of this company."

"Should not be a problem. I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended."

"You're not off to a very good start, Bernard."

"I agree. But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say?"

"I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous."

"[Andy and Dwight arm-wrestle, Andy is about to win] Time! No, you failed."

"Damn it!"

"This interview is over. I'll let you know."

"[Driving to New York] Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview."

"Totally, no problem. What are you interviewing for, by the way, my assistant? Or..."

"Oh, you know I'm gonna have a congratulations Karen party um, tomorrow night at my friend's house."

"Oh wow, that sounds like fun. Is your friend named Karen too? What did she accomplish?"

"No, I'm sorry I should have been clearer. It's for me."

"Oh..."

"Cause I'm going to get the job."

"[holding Jan's breasts] Remarkable."

"Thanks."

"Wait, wait. Check one more time."

"Oh, okay."

"Very good [Jan nods]"

"Well, I um, I have to get back, but I will see you in New York tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, indeed."

"Good luck with your interview. [whispers] Bye."

"So, I guess we're getting back together."

"What happened?"

"Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger."

"Here's the sitch. Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly. We didn't connect, I was miserable. Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman. Love is a mystery."

"So we have all night. Where do you want to go first?"

"Oh, I dunno, how about the U.N.?"

"How often do you come here?"

"Um, everytime my sixth grade class has a field trip."

"I think you'll really enjoy this, adult Jim."

"Hey, everybody. The next time you see me, I'll be working for corporate. Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch. So without further ado, [clicks on small tape player] I would like to start saying my goodbyes [Song: Thank You, by Natalie Merchant plays in background] Okay. Goodnight, and good luck."

"[Dwight clicks off tape player] Who's ready to work?"

"[Karen punches buttons on an ATM] Yeah, we went to the Spotted Pig for dinner. It's in the Village. Uh, Karen knew it. And then we second acted Spamalot. That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers. And then we went to a bar that used to be a church. Oh and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels."

"That wasn't him. [Jim nods, mouths, yes, it was]"

"So what's going to happen to us when I get this job?"

"Oh do you mean when I get the job?"

"Well,"

"You mean Kevin?"

"Exactly. But you get it, right? Can't stay there."

"Yeah, I do. C'mon. [they hold hands and cross street]"

"[exhales] How are you guys doing? Need anything?"

"Uh, no, we're good. Thanks."

"I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is, know everybody's names. If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me."

"[points at bearded man] Who's that?"

"That"

"Beardy?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I'm gonna introduce myself."

"No, no, no, just... that's not his real name. That's just what I call him, so..."

"I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing. Jim and Karen are here, which is cute. They're like, kid actors tagging along with daddy, on the big audition, hoping to be discovered. Except daddy... is the best actor around. Daddy is Meryl Streep."

"Michael is gone."

"Hail to the chief!"

"My first order of business: make Andrew Bernard my number two."

"My first order of business: accept."

"As if you had a choice. [scoffs] Duh. [scoffs] Opportunity of a lifetime. [spits chew into Michael's World's Best Boss mug]"

"Three months ago, I was nowhere. I was just a Cornell grad, in anger management. Look where I am now. Not bad. [washing out Michael's mug]"

"Hey! Hunter! Wha's up my brutha? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire."

"Uh, administrative assistant."

"Jan in yet?"

"I think she's comin' in... later."

"Could you give her a message for me, when she gets in?"

"Sure."

"Just say, 'I want to squeeze them.' It's code. She'll know what it means."

"Okay."

"Oh, and Hunter? Could you tell her, [Michael shakes his head and makes the 'motorboat' noise] 'Brbrbrbrbr!' also?"

"You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk. Even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession."

"Thank you."

"I had to make Andy my number two. It's political, complicated, you wouldn't understand. I want you... to be Assistant Regional Manager."

"Really?"

"Well, in a sense. Although, publicly I am going to retain the Assistant Regional Manager position."

"You will be your own assistant."

"Correct, I need someone I can trust. But I would also like the title... to be secretly applied to you. Just stripped of its pomp and frills."

"Okay. So... you would be the Regional Manager,"

"Mmmmmm, let's call it Secret Assistant"

"Mm-hmm."

"Do you accept?"

"Absolutely, I do."

"I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you to accept something secret... you reply, 'Absolutely, I do.'"

"[knocks on door] Hello, hello!"

"Michael, good to see you!"

"Good to see you. Here are the post-merger performance stats that you asked for."

"Oh, great. I've been meaning to thank you by the way. You didn't lose a single customer during the merger, and you still managed to trim the budget? That is nice work. [Michael smiles] So, let me ask you a question right off the bat. What do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager?"

"Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job."

"Okay. And your strengths?"

"Well, my weaknesses are actually... strengths."

"Oh. Yes. Very good."

"Thank you."

"Very good."

"Dwight is our new boss."

"Oh, Michael's not going anywhere."

"Then who do you think will get the job?"

"Karen. She looks corporate. Those little pants suits."

"I think it's gonna be Michael."

"Do you really think he's qualified for that job?"

"No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now, and he got that one."

"[laughs] Mm. Yeah."

"Listen up! Come to the center of the room, please. This... [holds up paper that resemles a sheet sized dollar bill with Dwight's face in the middle] is a Schrute Buck. When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck. One thousand Schrute Bucks... equals an extra five minutes for lunch."

"[raises hand] What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck?"

"Excellent question, Pam. 1/100th of a cent."

"So ten"

"Just... zip your lid! Another announcement. Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded dogoodedness. No longer. No more meetings!"

"Amen."

"Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper."

"[raises hand] Do we have to?"

"Yes! Michael is gone. There's a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is 'me.' Conference room! Ten seconds! All of you!"

"I literally cannot wait to see what Dwight has planned. And I wish Jim were here."

"What do you think we could be doing better?"

"I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin. I was thinking we could name the company something like, 'Paper Great. Where great paper is our passion. We're GRRRRRRRRRREAT!' I don't know, could be good. Or, uh, 'Super Duper Paper. It's super duper.' I don't know, something like that."

"Okay!"

"Okay."

"Thanks for comin' in, Michael."

"Thank you."

"It is always a treat when our paths cross."

"It is always a treat when"

"You're back together."

"Yes. And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her... or on top of her. [laughs] Mm, that's not sexual, just... we're all professionals."

"Okay, uh. Well, I thought it was clear in the description, the position... the job you're applying for... is Jan's job."

"I don't understand. So, we're gonna tag team it?"

"No, we're letting Jan go."

"Listen up. Let's start... from the ground"

"[at the same time as Dwight] Trees."

"Trees! And where do trees grow?"

"[at the same time as Dwight] Forest."

"Soil. Right. We have, in front of you here, seven different types of Pennsylvania top soil. Now, what would you say... is the most important element in the production of above ground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? [Angela smiles, shakes her head 'no'] Wrong! It's nitrogen! Absorb this information. Good! Now, let us discuss precipitation. Stanley! When rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous... state?"

"Liquid."

"Very good! You have earned one Schrute Buck."

"I don't want it."

"Then you have been deducted 50 Schrute Bucks!"

"Make it 100."

"We--- Don't you wanna earn Schrute Bucks?"

"No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again."

"What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks?"

"The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns."

"Okay---"

"That's it!"