Season 6, episode 5

"The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. 'Mental' is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it."

"Well the 'fun' is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.]"

"Get out."

"[halfway out] Yeah, I know."

"Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need 'small talk.' What topics can you use for small talk?"

"Golf."

"Mmhm."

"Stock market."

"Mmhm."

"Dave Matthews."

"Yes, what else?"

"Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes..."

"No."

"The weekend!"

"Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, 'So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?'"

"Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet."

"All right..."

"He calls it an upper decker."

"Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with."

"Then do it."

"What?"

"Write a book."

"[into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman..."

"[Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to."

"Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is?"

"In your schedule it just says nine til noon is 'creative space' and I thought this could be part of that."

"Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon."

"You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says 'free play.'"

"Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made."

"Ah."

"Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage."

"As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride."

"Mmhm."

"But you also got a lot of responsibility"

"Yep."

"None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss."

"Okay."

"There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player."

"Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks."

"What do you think?"

"I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags."

"God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse."

"Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up."

"Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury."

"Mmhm, I hear you. The truck."

"You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott."

"Okay, well."

"I can be very very persistent."

"Do your worst. [they shake hands]"

"[Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great."

"Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh?"

"Mmhm."

"What happened in there?"

"Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman."

"Did he threaten you?"

"No Dwight, not everything is a threat."

"Mobsters are!"

"There is no such things as monsters."

"He drives an SUV!"

"I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space."

"Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob?"

"No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster."

"Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance."

"All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation."

"For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia."

"I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance."

"Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down!"

"Exactly."

"He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer."

"Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around]"

"Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between 'sane and others.' Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The 'coalition for reason' is extremely weak."

"Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head]"

"[over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think?"

"Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.'"

"Okay."

"What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name?"

"Um it is, Grotti."

"[groans] Oh no. Fabulous."

"What? What?"

"It's John Gotti, you idiot!"

"It's, it's a completely different name!"

"So he won't get caught!"

"Yeah. It's pretty close."

"No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it."

"No I disagree. 'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it 'murder.' And not 'muck-duck.'"

"Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences."

"Lock your door!"

"I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked]"

"Hello?"

"Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon."

"Oscar! Uh, what is going on?"

"It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this."

"Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so-"

"Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon."

"Pam, I'm sorry--"

"Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us."

"You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye."

"It's Grotti. He's following up."

"Already? This, this guy is persistent!"

"[reads email] 'I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.'"

"That's bad."

"Yeah."

"That's bad."

"Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or?"

"Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road."

"Okay, I'm calling the police."

"[hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now!"

"He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported."

"All right."

"Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed!"

"Shh!"

"You know what?"

"That's not gonna happen."

"That's an exaggeration."

"That's how it works!"

"What am I supposed to do here?"

"When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back"

"I was thinking exactly the same thing."

"No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat."

"Dwight..."

"The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people."

"I don't know, I don't know about that."

"Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting."

"Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent."

"Okay."

"Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous."

"[snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan."

"Hold on, hold on! Just-"

"No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way."

"All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone."

"Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: We'll be right beside you."

"What?"

"[Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat?"

"Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing."

"Do you know how to use it?"

"To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it."

"Let's go, come on. [whispers] God!"

"Should I change?"

"You're wearing loafers!"

"Forget it! Forget it!"

"[Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please!"

"Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it."

"Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel."

"Oh! God! [smacks roaches]"

"Oh my God!"

"You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-"

"Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is."

"Hello."

"Mr. Scott."

"Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates."

"Hi. Angelo Grotti."

"Hi."

"Hello."

"So, you got this table?"

"Yes."

"This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing."

"Well."

"Waitress, we're gonna sit over here."

"That's fine."

"Okay."

"[answers phone] Hello."

"Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card."

"Oh man, do you think it was stolen?"

"First would you mind verifying your home address?"

"Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA"

"And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number?"

"Six-six-five-zero."

"Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico."

"Wait a minute. Yes I am."

"I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card."

"No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer."

"Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away."

"No-"

"Have a nice day, and thank you!"

"Shoot."

"If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy."

"Oh he's not that nice."

"That's not true."

"Hmm. Very true."

"Okay shut up."

"Have you decided?"

"Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back."

"Okay then. And for you sir?"

"I will have the gabba-gool."

"The... what?"

"The gabba-gool."

"I don't really know what that is."

"[with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool."

"I don't, I don't have to have that."

"What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool."

"Guys, guys-"

"I don't really think that we have that."

"That's okay."

"Bring him the gabba-gool!"

"Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad."

"Okay."

"If the salad is on top, I send it back."

"Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?"

"I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone."

"This constitutes identity fraud."

"Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail."

"Why would I love jail?"

"Because... You would love it."

"I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out."

"Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you."

"Maybe we have a plan for you?"

"How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it."

"[approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?"

"Yeeeeah."

"My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help?"

"Yes I can."

"No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad."

"Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go!"

"Okay!"

"Thank you so much, I really appreciate it."

"Hey, do you need any help?"

"I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down."

"He's a good mechanic."

"Where were we?"

"I don't..."

"He was trying to force you to decide on a policy."

"Okay, okay okay."

"So we're choosing..."

"Yep, all right."

"Check out Dental?"

"Put it down."

"Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down."

"He seems bad at this."

"You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube."

"What?!?"

"So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated]"

"Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat?"

"Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of."

"Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car?"

"It was before, my tech- my technical training."

"Don't do it!"

"Do it."

"Don't."

"Just do it."

"Okay."

"Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"I don't understand, why would you buy a policy?"

"It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour."

"You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you."

"I had to make a snap decision Dwight."

"It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour."

"It was a lot of snap decisions."

"Do you know what 'snap decision' means?"

"Yes!"

"It means like this. [snaps fingers]"

"Just get in the car."

"Hello?"

"Jim?"

"Michael?"

"Oh thank God."

"How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran."

"It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier."

"That sounds bad."

"Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend."

"I'm gonna help you through it all right?"

"Okay!"

"All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to--"

"Jim? Are you?"

"And then you'll be saved."

"What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said."

"Just [drops] and then you'll be saved."

"No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again!"

"A- ah--"

"No! Oh my God!"

"And you'll be saved."

"No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you!"

"I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again."

"Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God."

"Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away?"

"Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it."

"Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing?"

"Just- no. No."

"All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks."

"We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault."

"He's alive. So you're welcome."

"Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job."

"Yeah, some of that existed before."

"Not the living in fear, that's new."

"You're right, that is new."

"Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy."

"Well I don't see that happening."

"Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy?"

"Are you saying-"

"Yeah..."

"That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain?"

"What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia!"

"That seems a little far-fetched."

"Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened."

"Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean."

"No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works."

"No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean."

"It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really."

"Class act. Boy scout."

"But Grotti acts like he's mafia though."

"He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman."

"And he made us all look like chumps!"

"[grunts]"

"If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden."

"This is Grotti."

"This is Scott."

"Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now."

"Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me?"

"I, I thought you'd be pleased."

"Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd."

"What?"

"I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance."

"I don't get it. How was I scaring you?"

"I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk."

"Whoa. Okay."

"You suck!"

"Okay that's-"

"And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance."

"That's good, let's wrap it up."

"How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it?"

"Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call?"

"Doubt it. [disconnects call]"

"[relaxing] Oh man."

"What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What?"

"Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia!"

"No. What do you mean?"

"We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared."

"What?"

"You successfully backed down the mob!"

"You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite!"

"Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not."

"So I looked him in the eye and I said, 'Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead.' I said something like that."

"Very close."

"Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg."

"Erin?"

"Yes?"

"Coffee?"

"Okay."

"Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back."

"Okay."

"Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back."

"How do you return coffee?"

"Go. Any questions?"

"[on phone] Are you kidding me?"

"Hi Pam, is Jim there?"

"Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here!"

"Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi."

"Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority."

"Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye."

"They have no idea what happened."