Season 4, episode 12

"Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on!"

"Michael we don't know what you're talking about..."

"Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write?"

"Michael you could put your initials in it."

"M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't..."

"Yeah that's true."

"Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go!"

"We-- we--"

"Here we go!"

"Well--"

"Let's, yes?"

"When I was a little girl..."

"Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it!"

"We-we found some wet cement in the park..."

"It's drying, it's drying..."

"In our neighborhood..."

"Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl!"

"What did we write?"

"Ahh come on!"

"Here it is, you should draw a picture..."

"No!"

"Cause that says, that says..."

"No!"

"So much more than words..."

"No!! Come on, gimme something good!"

"Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good..."

"Pam, translate."

"She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement."

"I love it!"

"If you were a real star you would put your face in it."

"I love it more!"

"Michael that doesn't seem... safe."

"I... love it!! Haha, come on!"

"Come on! [Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael]"

"We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man."

"[with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please."

"Greatness is only skin deep, some people say..."

"Can you breathe?"

"Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside..."

"Hold your breath."

"And in this case..."

"Ready?"

"That's also not true."

"And... go. [Michael sticks his face in the cement] Force it in as deep as you can."

"[muffled] That's what she said."

"Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, 'That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole...' I dunno, it's a good feeling."

"[playing with Madlibs] Okay, adjective..."

"Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice."

"Good one. Okay, you ready?"

"Mmhmm."

"[reads] The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. 'Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?'"

"[laughing] It's a man eating cat food."

"What about a cat eating man food?"

"Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them."

"[wearing glasses] Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up."

"All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction..."

"I don't have my contacts..."

"Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room."

"Ener-gize..."

"You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly..."

"Don't, don't--"

"Would..."

"If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no."

"Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world."

"Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy?"

"What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep?"

"Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim?"

"What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep?"

"Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme..."

"An urban thing..."

"An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley..."

"Not me."

"Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group."

"No."

"Stanley, we're havin a little..."

"Leave me alone, dammit."

"We're havin a little brainstorm session..."

"DID I STUTTER?"

"...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water."

"Can I talk to you a second?"

"Ugh, what?"

"Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning..."

"What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened."

"Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate."

"That? In the conference room?"

"Yeah."

"We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said 'did I stutter,' and I said 'wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?' It was joking, Toby, alright?"

"He didn't seem like he was joking."

"Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another: 'Hey um, you're poor.' 'Well hey, you're mama's dead.' That's what friends do. It's... you're so white."

"Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking..."

"Mmhmm."

"Um, why don't you go ask him that?"

"Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but..."

"You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school..."

"Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological."

"You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker."

"[kicks the car] Unh! Scratch."

"That's a racing stripe."

"Uh, bumper's sagging."

"Mmm, I doubt that very much."

"This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing."

"How next to?"

"Well, here are your options: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey."

"I have to pick one of those?"

"Yes."

"Can you go over those options again?"

"You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now."

"Well I have the, the blue book value..."

"Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one--"

"Can I think about it?"

"Five, four, three, two..."

"Let me think about it--"

"Now. Now. Now."

"Let me think about it--"

"Say it. Do it. Now."

"I'm thinking about it--"

"Do it now."

"Thinking--"

"Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand."

"Yeah. All right!"

"What."

"I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal."

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool."

"I am not going to apologize to you."

"It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too."

"Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line--green for money-sales, get it?"

"Uh huh..."

"There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley..."

"Great"

"However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly."

"What's the pink?"

"Menstrual cycles."

"Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this?"

"You."

"Other than me."

"Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office."

"I never said you could do that."

"All you have to do it say it."

"I..."

"Just say it."

"Okay, I will think about it."

"Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it."

"No."

"So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself."

"Hey Pam, I really like your glasses."

"Oh, thanks."

"All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses."

"Oh, okay..."

"Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually..."

"I should probably get back to..."

"Like librarians."

"Entering the...."

"Could you just say, 'these are due back Thursday'?"

"No. [Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. [puts a notepad close to her face and writes message]"

"A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless."

"Mike."

"Hey."

"I'm very busy here, man."

"Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang?"

"Why?"

"It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um..."

"No, no, no..."

"I know, it's very, very personal..."

"No, um... I have."

"I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods?"

"Both."

"God."

"Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors..."

"Okay."

"Newsies."

"Okay, so dig this: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you."

"Oh my goodness."

"Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right?"

"Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers."

"What is that?"

"That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone."

"I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other."

"Well, it's effective."

"[to Toby] I think it's self-explanatory. [to Jim] Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan?"

"Oh boy..."

"How do you live with a franchise this bad?"

"On a wing and a prayer, mostly."

"Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance."

"A formal warning... [chuckles]"

"It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"[stammers] I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head."

"This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it."

"I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really..."

"Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright?"

"I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam"

"Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want?"

"Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff..."

"Because you're very important?"

"Yeah..."

"[washing the Xterra] Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA!"

"What the hell is this all about? [holds up flier] You're flipping my car for profit."

"It's my car now."

"I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me."

"Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay."

"I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight."

"Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him."

"What does that mean?"

"It's like a mock execution."

"That's not a good idea."

"Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left."

"Well, you can actually fire him."

"No, okay... I've had enough of you."

"Why are you telling us this?"

"Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?"

"Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him."

"I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?"

"Stanley Hudson, you are fired."

"Are you serious?"

"I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack."

"You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?"

"Hmm."

"I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office."

"Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice."

"So I'm not fired."

"That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?"

"Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?"

"Okay..."

"Do you have any idea how to run an office?"

"Yes."

"Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before."

"That's not-"

"And I think, 'there's no possible way--"

"All right, all right..."

"He can top that.'"

"Okay."

"But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!"

"Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out."

"Who?"

"Everybody, except Stanley."

"Let's go."

"I can't find my glasses."

"Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here."

"Okay, okay."

"[chuckling] It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!"

"[starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me."

"Oh, for the love of God."

"You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand."

"Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way."

"Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well."

"Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?"

"All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it."

"Fair enough."

"I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, 'I don't respect you!' Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!"

"So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?"

"Has potential to be your best idea yet. [Michael smiles]"

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. [laughs]"

"Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis."

"You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just..."

"Who else is he mean to?"

"Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me."

"What kind of stuff does Stanley say?"

"Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts."

"Why would he say that?"

"Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is..."

"Mm-hmm."

"And that Angela's a midget, and that [indicates Jim] your chin is too big."

"Hey."

"I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly."

"She's never worn these glasses before."

"Well, he's just mean."

"Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly."

"It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk."

"Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash."

"Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching."

"Okay."

"I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand."

"Pam, stand up."

"Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses."

"Hi, Pam."

"Pretty disgusting."

"I like your frames."

"Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too."

"Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."

"Ignore her, those glasses are so cool."

"Really?"

"Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time."

"Huh. Maybe I will."

"Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office."

"What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great."

"Yo!"

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately."

"[pointing] Ryan!"

"Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel? [throws it]"

"Yeah."

"Think fast. [it hits her in the face] Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God."

"Okay."

"The only good bagels anywhere."

"I've heard that. [reaches down to pick up bagel from the floor]"

"Same with coffee, and women."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. [takes her bagel] You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? [pats his belly, points to Pam] Fewer carbs."

"Yeah, if I could have seen what he just did, I think I would have gotten angry."

"A formal warning, seriously?"

"Well, as you know, Dwight has filed a lot of complaints against you over the years."

"And no one cared."

"But now it's being looked at as more of a productivity issue."

"Productivity? My numbers are good."

"I know, um, but Ryan thinks that, uh, they're not good enough."

"Wallace likes Jim. So going after him - that's a risky move for me, but in business, you gotta take risks. Sometimes you gotta get out on the open highway, with the top down [pushes button about eight times to get the top down. Finally it comes down and it's all bunched up. As he's fixing it, the car rolls backwards a bit.]"